raintalker

I know who I am... you are the one who doesn't. My haircolor has nothing to do with my personality... whether cut it, dye it red, green or whatever... it has nothing to do with my personality swapping, changing, becoming someone else..or whatever fantasy you are stuck in your head. You only looked ever at my appearance as something valuable... that is also why you traced my photos - you were seeking a man in me, or someone who comforted you in past or in dreams....I did not know back then that it is just about that...about your past overlapping with present. Your lustful lens was not enough to see me. Since you had plenty of lust toward the other woman and toward many other people, possibly. the right person will be someone who likes to spend time with me, not ignoring me, not messing m yhead up and giving me ideas... or bidding me against other person. Making it a horserace for your precious love. In the end, you were just choosing whether to sleep with an asian girl or caucasian one...that what it was about. It send shiver down my spine every time I remember those times. The person will not look at my photos as main thing. Ruminating over whether I am this or that, not spreading rumors about me being schizophrenic or erotomaniac...because I cut or dyed my hair. Or had public meltdown after being manipulated. If people who had followed me here (who were not sockpuppet accounts or bots or staged people) after all I written and drawn just have image of me being this poor sick person on the internet, looking for validation and having meltdowns for their amusement - then all of this was for nothing...and all my enegy was wasted... and I do not care anymore. I won't reply back. If you still don't understand that these past years it was not important as to whether my mental condition got worse...BUT WHY IT GOT WORSE AND NOBODY STANDING UP FOR ME...NOBODY REALLY LOOKING INTO IT. AND EVERYONE JUST SENDING ME PRETEND CARE MESSAGES ON HOW I SHOULD GET BETTER. OR HOW I WAS THE LIGHT.... INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY HELPING ME AND TRUSTING ME ..... THEN ALLT HIS WAS FOR NOTHING. To this day I wonder how many of those people even existed in flesh... and I will never know. NO NEED FOR STANDING UP FOR ME, I WILL DO IT MY SELF LIKE THIS. AND YELL OUT THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE MEANS TO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE UP, IN WAYS YOU NEVER IMAGINED. AND THEY WILL HAVE MONEY FROM IT, FAME FROM IT, ENERGY FROM IT, INSPIRATION FOR STORIES FROM IT. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT...AND I WILL EXPOSE IT IN MY OWN WAYS, TO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE AND ARE REAL. Stop pretending to be interested in me as real person... and leave me alone. Stop mapping me out and trying to put puzzle together - there was no puzzle to begin with. I was just someone who bumped into you, or vice versa. This mess happened. And I jumped onto the bandwagon of subliminal messages and made my mistakes - because that was the only option left that you given me... I thought it was love, not punishment. It ended up you trying to just punish me... And that is all it ever was. I tried to build a relationship out of that...but I am over it now and I do not desire to go back to it. Neither have love relationship with you in the flesh. Deny it all you want, wash your hands cowardly clean for years to come, for all I care...if that is the way of life you chose... keep sending your lackeys and do drunk streams about how I hurt you and how I am terrible.. . YOU HURT PEOPLE TOO. YOU HAVE FLAWS TOO. MAN UP. I loved foxes and rain...loved flowers and stars... You managed to remember all I liked, but that is not enough. That is obsession, not love. You did not care for real life me and that is enough for me to quit this and reject this with all my might I have. And stop feeling sorry for you. Stop feeling shame and guilt for having had feelings. Lies are bad, cover ups are bad, the only white lies are there to protect precious things... but white lies NEVER HURT PEOPLE LIKE THIS. Dirty lies do. You hurt me, I will recover on my own. Have a great day.